Dear "The Jim"

Hi. This is Norman, the Woman's Pug. I don't know you, but I'm sure you know who I am, because you seem to know my Woman pretty well, and since she talks about me all the time, I bet you have heard all about me. You see, I know she has been coming to your house almost every day for the past two weeks, and I'd like to know what the two of you are doing.

I'm sure you are a cool guy and all, after all you do have a "The" in front of your name like other cool characters like "The Cheat" and me, "The Pug," but I think Ian and I have a right to know what is going on over there. She leaves here all nice and clean and comes home sweaty and tired. Is she helping you with your garden? If so, please remind her that there are weeds growing in our garden that need pulled too. She must not be trying to impress you, because she never wears her make-up stuff or even does her hair, and I suspect that today she was wearing dirty pants from the hamper.

If you could please just let me know what is going on and why I am not welcome at your house, I would really appreciate it. I can understand why Ian is not welcome, but me? I'm the coolest person ever.

Thanks for reading this. I hope to meet you one day in the near future. Stay away from my Woman.

Sincerely,
Norman