Goodboy Norman Featherstone

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Woman's Wednesday

Hey everyone, Woman here. I'm blogging for Norman today since he has not had much to talk about lately. He's been in a bad mood because I changed his food back to dry food. No more beef and broccoli for him, because he was just getting way too greedy for his food. It was offensive, and I couldn't take it any more, so he's on Bil-Jac now. So anyway, I've got the blog power today!!!

I dedicate this post to Doozy who is so open and free with her thoughts and experiences with poop that I knew she would appreciate this story. This is an "involved" story, so I will warn you when the poop talk starts and ends so you can skip that part if you want. It's human poop, not dog poop, so be warned.

About two years ago (yes, this is a long story - LOL!) I noticed a sort of cloudy discoloration on my left big toenail. I didn't think much of it, assuming I had hit it or someone had stepped on it, and I went on with life. A year later, it was still the same, so I figured I kept doing something to damage it - I am quite clumsy. A couple weeks ago I noticed that the toenail seemed to be separating from the nail bed a bit, and since that couldn't be a good thing, I made an appointment with a podiatrist. She took some x-rays and told me I have hallux limitus, which causes two things; 1 - arthritis in the big toe joint, and 2 - since it limits the range of motion of the big toe joint, it causes a heavy impact down the toe during repetitive movements which could cause the nail to separate from the nail bed. She told me that the good news is that the arthritis might not start to bother me for 6-12 months. This is the good news? I'm 32, and I have 6-12 months before arthritis in my big toe joints might keep me from doing things I love to do? Whack. So she cut the toenail back a bit and told me to call if it started turning green, and then it would have to be removed. I knew that it would never turn green. My toenail wouldn't do that to me. Only elderly people walk around with missing toenails, right??

Three days later - it turned green. All I could say was - SOB. (If you don't know what that means, here's a hint - my step brother is an SOB - his Mom is really crabby. I used to tell my Mom that my Stepmom was a witch, but replace the 'w' with a 'b.' I can't believe she let me get away with that.) So anyway, it turned green. I went back to the evil toenail clipper wielding podiatrist and she removed my toenail. I wish it was as smooth as that sentence made it sound, but in reality, it was an SOB. First she sprayed something on my toe to make it REALLY REALLY cold. Like, if she had hit it with a hammer, I'm sure it would have shattered. The cold stuff hurt. Bad. Then she stuck a needle in my toe THREE times to numb it. THREE times! I cried. Finally she pried the toenail off. It was so gross. I had to change the bandages twice a day, and each time I did, I couldn't look at the wound, because it made me almost barf. Just thinking about it now makes me wanna hurl, and it's healed up completely at this point. She sent the toenail off to the lab to find out what was growing in it and whether I would need antibiotics to fight it.

A week later she called back to tell me my toenail was supporting all types of bacteria and fungal growth. Lovely, eh? She prescribed 3 weeks of an antibiotic called Omnicef. I always research the drugs I am given, so I looked this one up on-line to find that a very common side effect is diarrhea. I just KNEW I wouldn't get the diarrhea though, because seriously, I've dealt with enough crap with this ganky toe.

*********************** Poop Talk Starting ***********************

So a couple days on the Omnicef, and no signs on diarrhea. Thank goodness! Day 4 I notice that I am pooping a little more frequently, and it's a little "softer" than usual, but nothing to really worry about. Last night (day 5) I decided to go to a class I had never tried before - Body Combat, which is a combination martial arts / kick boxing type class. I was thinking about training to teach this class since I like kick boxing a lot and talked to the Group Fitness Manager about chatting with her after class about training. So I get to class, and we're about 10 minutes into the workout when I start to feel a little bit of concern from my intestinal region. I finish up the set and make a quick potty run just in case the Omnicef has chosen now to wreak havoc on my bowels. And it had chosen just that. Not only were my intestines in a twist, but I found that I had pooped myself a little bit. Me. A grown adult. Pooped myself during a group fitness class. I remember in second grade there was a girl who frequently pooped herself, and we made so much fun of her - poor Mary Joe. I was getting my comeuppance, and it sucked. I didn't quite know what to do. All of my belongings were in the class that still had 40 minutes left of bouncing, kicking, lunging, squatting, and I had scheduled time to chat with the Group Fitness Manager who was teaching the class! If I ran in, grabbed my stuff and left, I would have to give her some excuse for leaving, and although I'm sharing with all of you the fact that I pooped myself, I didn't exactly want to share that with her! So, I cleaned myself up and went back to the class, the whole time worrying that I was pooping myself again. I was relieved at the end of class to find that I had NOT pooped myself again. What a lovely experience. I'm ready for geriatrics. Perhaps I should teach the Silver Sneakers class since I can now relate with people who have toenails removed and poop themselves. (That was meant as humor, not to degrade the elderly, so laugh if you find it funny, and ignore it if you don't. Or, if you find it unforgivably offensive, you can stop reading and/or leave me a flaming comment.)

*********************** Poop Talk Ending ***********************

After class I just wanted to get home. You can imagine, right? So I hop on the Parkway, driving a little faster than I should and just power down, when I see some lovely flashing lights behind me. Let me preface this by saying that I have never been pulled over, so my first assumption was that (although I was doing 55 in a 45) the cop just wanted around me. So I slow down and pull off, and he pulls off too. Why is he pulling off? Surely he just wants around me. Holy Cow! I'm going to get a ticket! Cop walks up to me, and I hand him my license. I consider relaying the poop story to him so he knows how desperate I am to get home but decide to just suck it up, take the ticket and maintain my dignity. So we go through the whole "do you know how fast you were going" routine, and he takes my license and registration back to his car. After a couple minutes he comes back and tells me he is going to "let it slide" since I have never had a ticket. What a nice guy.

I was glad to get out of the ticket, although I totally deserved it, but I would have rather gotten a ticket than pooped my pants. LOL! At least I didn't get both :)

So please, comfort me with stories of your own dysfunctional bowel movements so I don't feel so alone right now.


  • At 10:26 AM, Blogger Whitney said…

    I don't have any stories of bowel dysfunction to comfort you with, but I do have terminal farts. I have even run off even people as hardy and used to such smells as my little brother! It is pretty embarrassing, actually. Maybe I need to change my diet, like I had to change Doodlebug's when her farts made me suffocate!

  • At 11:07 AM, Blogger Pug(s) and Bugg said…

    You had me LOL-ing here at work! I have a horrible story about an INJURY to a certain area that is not-okay for online at all, but just know I empathize. I also have an embarassing fart story- my friend said that she found that spreading out her butt cheeks on a chair made her farts silent. At dinner one night I tried this instead of holding it in... oh and it erupted and reverberated off of the chair... louder than ever. Let's just say I don't trust her as much anymore!

  • At 12:09 PM, Blogger Clover said…

    Haha between you and Kelly, I am laughing at work too. Sorry to hear about your bad luck - I am trying really hard to think of a dysfunctional bowel story to tell you... I will come back if I think of one!

  • At 12:10 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Oh no!! And yes yes i do have a story like this and it involves dairy queen blizzards and being stuck in traffic... it wasn't pretty.. my stomach cannot handle that ice cream at all.. I think it isn't real ice cream that's why. The best part was i was in the middle of moving so I was at an empty apartment with nothing! :(

    Poor Norman, Indy is being an absolute witch with the soft food she is on, I cannot wait to put her back on kibble! That whining video I have up of her is but a fraction of what I go through with every meal. It gets so bad I make her wait in the other room while I get it ready! :p

  • At 12:43 PM, Blogger Manda Girl said…

    Oh man, that's a fantastic story!! Thank you for sharing :)

    One word. Probiotic.

    I just got off antibiotics and knew that taking probiotic while on it would help with the stomach problems - except I forgot to take it before we went out on Halloween to go to a wedding and I spent half of the speeches in the bathroom!! Needless to say, we couldn't stay :(

    But probiotics totally help with that!!

  • At 1:12 PM, Blogger AM said…

    I feel certain I have a similarly embarrassing story, but I've blocked it out.

    Congrats on getting out of the speeding ticket! You must have cute workout attire. ;)

  • At 1:20 PM, Blogger Nevis said…

    Well, I can totally relate. I had a flu a few months ago where I had diarrhea SO bad for about 1 1/2 days that I coudn't be a few feet from the bathroom. The first time it hit me...I started running to the bathroom but didn't make it. I'd never done that in my entire adult life and it had to happen right infront of Terry. I was running to the bathroom screaming and I could feel it. In my underwear. I did everything I could do to hold it in, but it would NOT be deterred. It was the most embarassing few days because...well...I'm a girl, and it's poop. And he's supposed to find me sexy. And how can he find me sexy after I crapped my pants? ((((hug)))) I totally feel your pain.

    How are things going now with the Omnicef? All done with it?

  • At 2:59 PM, Blogger martha said…

    Like Nevis, I can totally relate. I still feel too bad to tell my story, so I won't, but I will say that I have one, and it's not a pretty tale. My motto for such things is "....oh well...what're ya gonna do?"

  • At 3:51 PM, Blogger The Devil Dog said…

    Oh dear. Mom can totally feel your pain. Really. The only story suitable for online is that about two years ago Mom and PlusOne were in class doing a knife technique and PlusOne landed on mom's abdomen. Mom farted and PlusOne laughed so hard he dropped the wooden knife on mom's face. The teacher was upset because there was a mark on mom's face but she couldn't really tell him what happened. Mom was happy no one heard.


  • At 4:31 PM, Anonymous Dan Coyle said…

    About nine months ago I was rushing to the bathroom at work, when I got a phone call from a friend who was about to leave for England and had something important to tell me. The concentration needed to hold it in slipped for just a second and...

    Well, I was lucky home is only ten minutes away.

  • At 5:01 PM, Blogger Page said…

    Oh my God, I am laughing so hard tears are streaming down my face. I think my boss is on to me. That might be the best blog post yet.
    To Norman, sorry your food is kibble again...try blaming Winston and Sela for your probably picked it up from them.
    To Woman, first, I have to tell you that I'm sorry you've lost your big toe nail. That sounds really horrid. Just reading that story wasn't pleasant...if Rob were here he would totally gag. So, now I want to make him read it because I enjoy making him get nauseated...sadistic, I know. But the poop story?? Freakin' hilarious! I know I've got some as well, but I think I've blocked them. Give me some time and I'll see...oh, wait. I just thought of one. I'll email you.

  • At 5:07 PM, Blogger Goodboy Norman Featherstone said…

    LOL to you all too :) Thanks so much for sharing your pain with me!

    Thanks for the advice Manda Girl - I will get some probiotics ASAP!

    Nevis - I am only on day 6 of 21 days of the Omnicef! Ugh!

    Dan - I think *everyone* was lucky home is only ten minutes away!

  • At 5:16 PM, Blogger Tami said…

    On my blog I discussed my ingrown toenails on:
    June 15, 2005
    October 11, 2005
    and June 30, 2006

    A few weeks ago, I removed one myself at home. I discovered a little too late that even though the top was dead, the roots were still alive and kicking. I have no idea how or if it will grow back.

    I hope you had the doctor use the medicine that kills the nail; if you didn't and it grows back, you could have this delightful experience all over again!

  • At 6:20 PM, Blogger Goodboy Norman Featherstone said…

    My nail is going to grow back. I don't want it to be killed off! I love my toenail!!

  • At 6:55 PM, Blogger Sandy said…

    Oh my goodness. That toe story is bad..although I didn't read the poop part..thanks for separating that. But everyone's comments are too funny.

  • At 8:02 PM, Blogger Priscilla said…

    Where do I begin? So many poop stories, so little time.

    Be sure to take some kind of acidophiles. Yogurt or whatever to help your flora. Kaopectate girl, get thee to a pharmacy and pick up a box.

  • At 8:24 PM, Blogger Winston said…

    When I had diarreah recently I did poop on the floor accidentally, but I am a pug and my parents were ignoring me. Not to be mean, but my parents thought that your story was hilarious.

  • At 8:57 PM, Blogger Magnolia Sun said…

    That was so funny, I could tell a few on my husband but I'll be nice.

  • At 10:37 PM, Blogger Rachel said…

    oh wow - I am laughing so hard over here, both at your own story and then all the resulting comments. I'm so glad you brought up a poop "dialogue".....
    And yes, I have a story. Unfortunately I am not as brave as you and can not tell it on the internet, but you are certainly not alone.

  • At 1:30 AM, Blogger martha said…

    I just came back to check on additional posts, and all I can say is gee whiz, here I thought I was alone. Lots of us have had a bad moment! I guess this is something we just don't bring up and share with friends or co-workers. Thank you woman for letting us all know we have lots of company.

  • At 3:34 PM, Blogger "M" said…

    That was a great "poo" story. I don't think I've laughed so hard reading someone's post. I have one myself...all I'm going to say is it was right after my heart surgery and I was still in the hospital. Lucky me!

  • At 10:03 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I very rarely ever get diarrhea. I have the opposite problem and any little change in diet or routine makes me 'bunged up'. Especially when I travel! I had to buy make-you-go-poop medicine during our last trip to Vegas. Otherwise I'm completely bloaty and gassy and obviously refuse to get into my bathing suit when I'm all bloated.

    We recently bought a water alkalizer/ionizer machine and holy cow it is amazing! It's totally helped with regularity and it is cleaning me out good! (Not that you need that, lol) Ah, TMI.

    I hope you feel better soon.

  • At 1:19 PM, Blogger Dr. Jeffrey Oster said…

    Hi Norman, Always glad to share our educational information but you've got a broken link to our old site. The new link to hallux limitus is
    Dr. O


Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home