Goodboy Norman Featherstone

Thursday, February 08, 2007

Touring the Bathrooms of Lisbon

The Woman is from a small town in Ohio called Lisbon. It's a weird little town full of weird little people. The Woman lived there the first 19 years of her life, and she was enlightened when Ian and I pointed out the peculiarities of the town. In particular, Lisbonians have especially odd taste in bathroom decor. Although their decorating taste is also questionable throughout the rest of the rooms in their homes, their bathrooms are particularly strange. Let's examine what it means to own a bathroom in the town of Lisbon.

First, the bathrooms are all carpeted. I'm not talking about that low to the floor, indoor / outdoor kind of short carpet that would repel water. No, Lisbonians prefer thick, shag carpet that absorbs water and provides an ideal breeding place for germs and bacteria. I guess they like to sink their toes into the shagginess when they get out of the shower, but who can really determine their motives. Ian and I are used to tiled bathrooms, or at least vinyl flooring. These seem like much better choices for bathroom flooring since you can easily wipe up the inevitable water splashes and maintain a cleaner environment. Also, you cant' lock a Pug in a carpeted bathroom, because he will definitely ruin it!

Next comes the obsession with clothing their toilets. The seat, the lid, the tank, all clothed in plush toilet cozies. I didn't even know toilet cozies were a thing until I visited Lisbon. Are they worried that the toilets will get cold at night? Do they think toilets are self-conscious or modest and need to be covered for the sake of decency? Again, who can guess their motives? They are weird little people. It is ironic to me how silly the people of Lisbon thought the Woman was for knitting me a sweater. These people clothe their toilets, and they think it's weird to clothe a Pug?

Finally, let's talk about the decorations throughout the bathroom. Apparently, your bathroom must be wall papered in a shade of pink (yes, Lisbonians are wall paper fanatics). In order to be accepted into Lisbonian society, the towels and shower curtain must match, and you must have an abundance of fancy soaps (preferably butterfly or seashell shaped) scattered around the place. The soaps should be noticeably dusty so newcomers do not mistake them as usable, but can clearly see from the film of dust that the soaps have been there for 20 years, and by damn, they will be there another 20 years. (Sorry about that "by damn" comment, it's just how people in Lisbon talk.) It is also essential to decorate the walls lavishly. The preferred decoration of choice is the plastic "wicker-wanna-be" Home Interiors butterfly. Lisbonians seem to have a hidden stash of these butterflies that they give as gifts to newly married couples, because everyone in the town has these things on their bathroom walls. Another acceptable decoration is the glass and brass shelf adorned with knick-knacks of angels, seashells or possibly kittens. It is also common to find framed inspirational sayings, and framed pictures of glass and brass shelves adorned with knick-knacks. Yes, I actually saw this in a Lisbonian bathroom - a picture of a shelf with knick-knacks on it! I'm sure it was from Home Interiors since that seems to be the only catalog available to the town.

It is also apparent from the "datedness" of the decorations that redecorating the bathroom is never an option. You can continue to add to the splendor that is the bathroom with special finds purchased at yard sales (Home Interiors doesn't sell those lovely plastic butterflies any more, so the only hope is yard sales), but a complete redo is totally out of the question.

After visiting Lisbon, I feel a little self-conscious looking around our plain bathroom with its naked toilet, cold tiled floors and bare walls. Perhaps I need to have the People do some sprucing up in there, or at least get some pink wall paper. My only hope is that no one from Lisbon ever visits us, lest we become the laughing stock of the town.

If your bathroom resembles the Lisbonian bathroom in any way, please do not take offense to this post. Just know that I think you're kind of weird.


  • At 1:38 PM, Anonymous alfredsmom said…

    I guess you wouldnt like our bathroom with the shag carpet and fully clothed toilet in lace doiles that match the shower curtains.


    But Norman, maybe you can help warm up the bathroom by dragging in a few of your toys or pillows!

  • At 10:58 PM, Blogger rpm said…

    Phew, I know what you mean. I knew someone a long time ago with a bathroom like that. But she never washed the toilet cozie and it was so layered with dust!! Her cats used the bathtub as a litter box. I hated visiting over there. I'm glad you are spared the experience of living with a bathroom like that!


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